Contents [ Hide ]
“Alright, Alright, Star Signs – Your Baked-eh-scope with McConaughey”
June 23 Horoscope, by the Most High Version of Me
Hey now…
I’m not sayin’ I know what’s gonna happen to you this week, but I had a little chat with the universe last night… well, technically I whispered at the moon for 45 minutes from a Muskoka chair in the buff after rippin’ a 3g blunt of something called “Saskatoon Skunk” and—woosh—the signs started talkin’ back.
Now, I ain’t no astrologer. I’m just a man with a vibe, a joint, and a dream. But if you’re still readin’, it’s probably ‘cause deep down, you wanna believe the stars got your back.
So let’s fire it up, buttercup.
Here’s what’s goin’ on in your cosmic crockpot this week…
♈ Aries
You’re rarin’ to go. You’re like a squirrel on espresso. Slow. It. Down. You ever seen a moose sprint? No, you haven’t. ‘Cause even the moose knows: time is a flat circle. You don’t need to win Monday. You just need to show up and vibe.
Movie wisdom: “It’d be a lot cooler if you did… chill out, man.”
♉ Taurus
You’ve been stuck in the same routine tighter than a jar of maple syrup in February. Break it open. Eat dessert first. Skip a meeting. Say yes to weird. You’re not a robot, you’re a beautiful lil’ meat-covered skeleton full of stardust and THC.
Movie wisdom: “The older you do get, the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.”
♊ Gemini
Two-faced? Nah. Two-vibed. You’re the only sign that can argue with yourself and win. This week, let one of y’all take the wheel — preferably the one who doesn’t send 3am texts to your ex.
Movie wisdom: “That’s what I love about Gemini season, man. I get older, they stay just as confusing.”
♋ Cancer
Feelin’ sensitive? That’s cool. Feel it. Feel all of it. Let the tears come like the rain on a PEI lobster boat. Then get high and cry to old Bryan Adams ballads. You’ll feel better by Thursday.
Movie wisdom: “Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward… and sometimes you just need a hug and a brownie.”
♌ Leo
You’re hotter than a jalapeño sauna right now. Confidence on max. But just ‘cause you’re the main character don’t mean you’re the only character. Share the stage. Let someone else hold the aux cord once in a while.
Movie wisdom: “All right, all right, all right… everybody’s got a little spotlight, baby.”
♍ Virgo
Lists on lists on lists. You probably wrote a list about this horoscope. Respect. But maybe lose the to-do and find the to-don’t. Like, don’t stress. Don’t overthink. Don’t Google “do I have rabies?” again.
Movie wisdom: “Just keep livin’. That’s the only real plan.”
♎ Libra
You’re overthinking everything like it’s a debate on CBC. Let go of balance for a sec. Lean into the chaos. Be the goose in the Timmy’s parking lot. Honk freely.
Movie wisdom: “You gotta do what Randall ‘Pink’ Floyd would do… and that’s not give a damn.”
♏ Scorpio
You’re deep. Like “wrote poetry on the back of a bus transfer” deep. But not everyone deserves your mystery this week. Smoke a solo J. Protect your peace like it’s the last Nanaimo bar at a potluck.
Movie wisdom: “Life’s not about the destination, man — it’s about how blazed you got on the way there.”
♐ Sagittarius
You’re a wanderer. A philosophical tumbleweed. But maybe don’t book that last-minute trip to Thunder Bay just because you saw a TikTok. Instead, try staying put and learning the names of your neighbors.
Movie wisdom: “Time is a flat circle. So yeah, maybe stay home this time.”
♑ Capricorn
Grinding again, Cap? Look, productivity is sexy… but so is not crying in the shower. Unclench your jaw. Call your cousin. Eat a snack that doesn’t come in a protein bar wrapper.
Movie wisdom: “You workin’ hard or hardly smilin’, buddy?”
♒ Aquarius
Weird is your cardio. And this week? The stars are saying: go full goblin. Start a composting cult. Paint your feelings with ketchup. We don’t know what you’re doing, but we support it.
Movie wisdom: “You gotta do what feels right… even if it’s hella wrong to literally everyone else.”
♓ Pisces
Floatin’ again, eh? You’ve been emotionally drifting through space like a lonely poutine curd. Come back to Earth, baby. Grab a blunt, a blanket, and a buddy. You don’t need to solve everything — just vibe with it.
Movie wisdom: “Sometimes you find yourself… sometimes you find yourself in someone else’s couch cushions.”
So there it is, friends. A little cosmic guidance, a little weed wisdom, and a whole lotta McConaughey mutterin’ in your ear.
If none of it makes sense — congratulations. You’re finally tuned to the right frequency.
Till next time: hydrate, hibernate, hallucinate responsibly.
And remember…
“You just gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.”
