Contents [ Hide ]
- 1 ♈ Aries – The Pre-Workout Puff
- 2 ♉ Taurus – Snack Beast Mode
- 3 ♊ Gemini – Two Brains, Zero Plans
- 4 ♋ Cancer – Emotional Bench Press
- 5 ♌ Leo – Main Character with a Bong
- 6 ♍ Virgo – OCD (Obsessively Cleaning Dank)
- 7 ♎ Libra – Balanced and Baked AF
- 8 ♏ Scorpio – Seductive Assassin Energy
- 9 ♐ Sagittarius – High-speed Philosopher
- 10 ♑ Capricorn – High Hustler
- 11 ♒ Aquarius – Alien on Edibles
- 12 ♓ Pisces – Stoner Mermaid with Trauma
- 13 🔥 FINAL WORDS FROM HIGH-NOLD 🔥
🔥HAUTE HOROSCOPES: STONED AND SHREDDED with ARNOLD “HIGH-nold” SCHWARZENEGGER🔥
“Zodiac is not a game… it is a full-body spiritual workout. And I am SPOTTER OF THE STARS.”
Hello my little cosmic cupcakes,
It is I, Arnold. But not the normal Arnold. No. I am HIGH-nold. I have smoked something called “Yoda’s Breath” and now I can hear the horoscope gods doing push-ups inside my brain.
I am no longer merely man. I am baked beyond belief. I am the Abs-terdam Astronaut. I see time. I smell colors. I flex in multiple dimensions. You want your future? I crushed it into a protein shake and drank it through a bong straw.
♈ Aries – The Pre-Workout Puff
You wake up yelling. Your alarm clock is scared of you. You are doing burpees in your sleep. Smoke something strong like Bruce Banner, but do not try to fight a mirror again. That’s YOU, dummy.
Advice: Not everything is a competition. Unless it is. Then WIN. Or just get really high and flex for no reason.
♉ Taurus – Snack Beast Mode
You are slow, powerful, and horny for carbs. You deserve pleasure. Get some Wedding Cake, eat it with cake, inside of a cake. Become the cake.
Warning: You may fall in love with your couch. Again.
♊ Gemini – Two Brains, Zero Plans
You are like a confused squirrel in a vape shop. So many ideas. No execution. Smoke Pineapple Express and record a podcast where you argue with yourself.
Pro Tip: Only say “Let’s circle back” if you know where the circle is going. You don’t.
♋ Cancer – Emotional Bench Press
You cried at a dog commercial. And a sandwich commercial. You are strong, but sensitive, like me in Kindergarten Cop.
Grab some Blue Dream, wear a robe, and whisper to the moon.
Affirmation: Feelings are gains for the soul. Let it out, you teary beefcake.
♌ Leo – Main Character with a Bong
You walk into a room and everyone claps—even if they weren’t planning to. Smoke Super Lemon Haze and do a TED Talk about your abs.
Warning: Not everyone is your audience, but yes, you are a star.
♍ Virgo – OCD (Obsessively Cleaning Dank)
You alphabetized your edibles. You made a spreadsheet for your grinder usage. I respect the discipline, but you need Harlequin to calm down.
Reminder: You cannot plan the future. That’s MY job. I’m jacked and clairvoyant.
♎ Libra – Balanced and Baked AF
You changed outfits four times before leaving the house to get more weed. Smoke some Strawberry Cough and make a pros and cons list for every decision, including what angle to post your bong rip.
Style Tip: Crocs can be sexy. With enough confidence.
♏ Scorpio – Seductive Assassin Energy
You are mysterious. Dangerous. Possibly high and hiding behind a curtain right now. Death Bubba will send you deeper into your sexy spiral.
Advice: Do NOT start a petty revenge plot just because someone took your lighter. Actually… do it. But look hot doing it.
♐ Sagittarius – High-speed Philosopher
You booked a trip to Peru just to “feel something.” You smoked Jack Herer and now you’re giving a lecture about the emotional weight of cereal mascots.
Truth Bomb: You are the friend who disappears for 3 days and comes back with a tattoo of a weed leaf and a llama.
♑ Capricorn – High Hustler
You smoked Northern Lights and wrote a 9-point business plan in Sharpie on your own thighs.
Reminder: Not every moment needs to be monetized. Chill, my ambitious goat. Take a break before your eyeballs form LLCs.
♒ Aquarius – Alien on Edibles
You are the only person I know who has tried to astral project into a microwave. Alien OG will take you higher—but please, stop trying to explain NFTs to your grandma.
Best Use of Time: Start a conspiracy theory that weed cured Atlantis. People will believe you. You are VERY persuasive when high.
♓ Pisces – Stoner Mermaid with Trauma
Pisces, you are crying and no one knows why. Maybe YOU don’t know why. You smoked Gelato and got emotional because a cloud looked like your ex’s dog.
Weekly Plan: Smoke. Paint. Cry. Smoke again. Listen to sad girl music. Levitate.
🔥 FINAL WORDS FROM HIGH-NOLD 🔥
You are strong. You are stoned. You are made of stars and snacks.
Never stop flexing your heart muscles, and if anyone doubts you, just scream:
“I’M BAKED, NOT BROKEN!!”
I’ll be back… with snacks. 💪🌬️🌌
