🌿 Lenny’s Haute High-Roscopes

 

Twelve signs. One bag of weed. Infinite truths.

Hey guys, this is Lenny Kravitz talking. Yeah, I astral projected into this horoscope wearing leather pants and holding a joint the size of a trombone. The stars were like, “Lenny, the people need guidance.” And I said, “Cool, but I’m bringing weed.” Let’s go.

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♈ Aries – Blunt-First, Ask Questions Later

You’re a trailblazer, Aries. The first to spark it, the first to cough dramatically, the first to say “I’m not even high yet” when your eyes look like marinara. You roll joints like you start projects — quickly, without a plan, and aggressively proud of the result. This month? You’re unstoppable. Just try not to interrupt everyone else’s vibe with your TED Talk about “why bongs are like relationships.”

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♉ Taurus – High-End, High Maintenance

Taurus, you don’t just smoke. You luxuriate. You’re the reason dispensaries started offering velvet pre-roll cases. You wear slippers to a sesh like it’s a five-star brunch. You light joints with candles that smell like forest secrets and brown butter. This month, you deserve extra. Smoke in the bath. Dab in silk. Microwave a cookie and call it self-care. Let your blunt burn as slowly as your reply texts.

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♊ Gemini – Two Hits, Twelve Opinions

Listen, Gemini, you’re brilliant. Also impossible. You hit a vape once and suddenly you’re debating time travel, cancel culture, and whether or not your cat has ADHD. Your inner monologue is a roundtable podcast. This month, embrace the chaos. Write a haiku while high. Ghost someone mid-chat. Smoke a joint and forget where you put it. You’re the zodiac’s group chat — buzzing, confused, kinda toxic, but fun.

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♋ Cancer – Crying in the Greenroom

You don’t get high. You get emotional journeys. One edible and you’re texting old friends about how much they mean to you. You wear a hoodie with pockets for snacks and trauma. This month, let yourself spiral into a nostalgic haze — but try not to sob because the joint “smells like your grandmother’s yard.” You’re the only one who cries when someone ashes with intention.

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♌ Leo – Main Character Energy (MCE)

Leo, you ARE the hotbox. The sun shines out of your rolling tray. When you walk into a sesh, someone presses play on Prince. You don’t just pass the joint — you present it. This month, you’re feeling powerful. Your grinder has rhinestones. Your ashtray is a sculpture. Just don’t forget to let other people talk. Not everything’s a one-person weed documentary, darling.

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♍ Virgo – The Calendar High

You’ve pre-measured your dose. You’ve named your plants. You asked your dealer if the strain was “lab verified.” Virgo, you’re not chill — and that’s okay. You’re the reason the sesh starts on time and the bong gets cleaned. This month, inhale, exhale, and release control. The joint doesn’t need your spreadsheet. Let go. Let weed. Let someone else decide what movie to watch — even if it’s terrible.

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♎ Libra – Flirting While High

You show up with the cutest lighter, the smoothest joint, and a vibe that says “I’m here to smoke and cause a love triangle.” Libra, you’re the Venus of the vape cloud. You fall in love mid-sesh. You compliment everyone’s outfit while secretly judging their puffing technique. This month? Float through the vibe like a perfectly rolled cone — delicate, beautiful, and possibly hollow inside. But in a hot way.

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♏ Scorpio – Deep Thoughts, Deeper Tokes

You smoke in silence. You stare at the joint like it betrayed you. You seduce your dealer. Scorpio, you’re hot, haunted, and definitely hiding something in that grinder. This month, lean into your spooky sensual weed energy. Use eye contact to assert dominance over a pre-roll. Say something cryptic like, “this strain remembers.” Do you even smoke weed? Or does it smoke you?

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♐ Sagittarius – Wander-High

Sag, you once got high and booked a trip to Peru. You think joints are for journeys. You wear a backpack to the dispensary. You ask strangers what their moon sign is. This month, roll up, look up, and zone out. Just don’t forget your charger and your sense of direction. And maybe write down where you parked before you smoke.

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♑ Capricorn – The COO of THC

Capricorn, you run your sesh like a board meeting. “Agenda: Roll, smoke, debrief.” You’ve got highlighters next to your hash. You smoke to optimize — like the world’s chillest robot. But this month, let the structure melt. Unbutton the suit. Put the joint before the plan. You can still reach your goals — just maybe from the couch this time.

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♒ Aquarius – Galaxy Brain & Ghost Hits

You’re the one who brought “space weed.” You once made a bong out of a humidifier and called it art. Aquarius, your third eye is too open. This month, smoke, dream, reinvent the edible. You don’t follow the strain — the strain follows you. Just remember to come back to Earth once in a while. Or at least answer your texts.

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♓ Pisces – Floating Through the Hotbox

Pisces, you are 90% water and 10% glittery weed resin. You get high and see shapes in the clouds. You paint your rolling papers. You cry during Bob Marley songs. This month, let your high be your guide — even if it leads you to a forest, a thrift store, or a pond where you whisper secrets to ducks. Your vibe is immaculate. And maybe hallucinated.

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✨ Final Words from Lenny ✨

The stars are talking. The weed is talking. Your reflection in the microwave is talking. Listen to them. Light up. Slow down. Let love rule. And remember: if you don’t vibe with your sign’s prediction… roll another one and read it again.

🌀 See you in the smoke,
– Lenny.