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Look, we didn’t ask for this. No one did.
But once we heard the words “Uber Eats,” “weed,” and “canoe” in the same sentence, we knew we had to dig in. Or at least float downstream with it.
According to completely unverifiable sources (probably a stoner in a group chat), Uber Eats is piloting a new weed delivery service by canoe in select Canadian cities. That’s right — cannabis, via paddle.
And honestly? It feels… right.
🚣♂️ High Tide, Fast Ride
The program allegedly launched in cottage-heavy regions like Muskoka, Kelowna, and parts of Vancouver Island — where the streets are few, the docks are many, and the weed demand is off the charts.
You place your order on the app like normal. But instead of a Prius pulling up to your laneway, a guy named Kyle shows up in a Mad River canoe with a drybag full of your pre-rolls. Shirt optional. Vibes mandatory.
ETA?
Somewhere between “sooner than Canada Post” and “after Kyle eats a granola bar and finishes his lake loop playlist.”
🧭 How Does It Work?
Here’s the totally real, not-made-up process:
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You place your order in the Uber Eats app.
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You select “Canoe Delivery” as your method.
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You drop a pin on your dock, paddleboard, or floaty unicorn.
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Kyle paddles in with your order, probably humming The Tragically Hip.
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He hands you your weed, says something profound like “the water knows,” and dips.
🌿 Menu Highlights (Probably)
Early users report the canoe menu includes such elite items as:
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Lake OG – a hybrid so mellow it comes with sunscreen
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Paddle Kush – warning: may cause dock naps
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Sativa Splash – makes your uncle think he’s good at wakeboarding
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Muskoka Melt Gummies – taste like peach, nostalgia, and beer can chicken
There are rumours you can tip with loonies or just hand the driver a butter tart and call it even.
🛶 Why Canoe Weed Delivery Makes Way Too Much Sense
Let’s break it down:
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Canada is 50% lakes. You probably have a dock before you have an address.
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Stoners love nature. Trees? Good. Water? Good. Vapes on a kayak? Excellent.
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Cars can’t find your cabin. But Kyle? Kyle will portage for you, king.
And honestly, in the wonderfully weird world of weed delivery in Canada, this might be the most on-brand idea yet. No traffic, no surge pricing — just a paddle, a pack, and peace.
🚩 Potential Issues (Because of Course)
Look, we’re not blind to the problems here.
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Orders might be late because “the loons were nesting.”
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You could get your edibles soaked if Kyle forgets the drybag.
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There’s a chance you are Kyle and forgot you placed the order.
And sure, the service is probably illegal in like, 3.5 provinces and not at all sanctioned by Uber.
But we don’t fact-check around here. We vibe-check.
💨 Skip the Paddle — Just Order from Us
If waiting 90 minutes on a floating dock for a maybe-real canoe guy isn’t your thing (respect), there’s another way to get premium weed delivered fast:
Haute Health.
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No paddle required
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No “Sorry, I hit a rock” texts
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No driftwood joints
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Just great weed, discreet shipping, and a track record as one of the best in weed delivery in Canada — whether you’re in a condo, cabin, or kayak.
🧠 Final Thought
Could weed delivery by canoe be the future?
Maybe.
Will the dude delivering it have a ukulele and opinions about kombucha?
Almost definitely.
But until the day Uber actually launches this very chill, very damp service — stick with Haute Health. We may not show up in a canoe, but we do bring the good stuff. And our drivers wear shirts. Usually.
