Weed Horoscope: August 4 – Presented by Haute Health (and Billy Bob Thornton)

 

 

“Don’t trust the stars. Trust the weed. Also, maybe don’t trust me.”

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🥃 A Message from Billy Bob

Look, I don’t usually do horoscopes. Most days I don’t even believe in ’em. But it’s my birthday, I’m high as hell, and Haute Health handed me a laptop and a pack of joints and said, “Go wild.”

So here I am. Southern, slightly feral, and spiritually tuned-in through THC and expired beef jerky.

I looked up your zodiac stuff, smoked something I probably shouldn’t have, and now I’ve got messages from the stars. Or at least from my neighbor’s dog, who I trust more than Mercury.

Here’s what the month has in store for you — and what strain you oughta be puffin’ while you deal with it.

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♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re acting like you’ve got somewhere to be, Aries. You don’t. Chill.
Quit trying to fight the universe. You’re not in a Fast & Furious movie, and nobody wants to hear your six-step productivity hack this month.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Take a walk. Smoke something that doesn’t punch you in the face. Call your mom. Or don’t.

Strain Pairing: Northern Lights – mellow enough to take that fire out your pants and put it in your pipe instead.

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♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, you’re nesting. You want snacks, soft pants, and zero drama. I respect that. You’re also ignoring seven text messages and pretending that bills don’t exist.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Make peace with being a homebody. But also maybe clean your ashtray and stop eating gummies for dinner.

Strain Pairing: Gelato – it’s dessert and weed all in one, and you’re the only sign who deserves both at once.

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♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re chaos with a driver’s license, Gemini. You wanna fall in love, start a new business, learn to tattoo, and ghost six people — all before Sunday.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Pick one project and finish it. Preferably something that doesn’t involve opening a new credit card or forming a cult.

Strain Pairing: Jack Herer – creative, energetic, and keeps you from spiraling into 47 side quests.

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♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re feelin’ sensitive. Crying at dog videos. Staring out windows dramatically. Probably listening to sad country music that even I’d call “a bit much.”

Billy Bob’s Advice: Lean into the feelings, but don’t text your ex. Not again.

Strain Pairing: Blueberry – a sweet, mellow high that hugs your soul like a weighted blanket.

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♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s your season, Leo. And buddy, you’re peacocking. Loud shirts. Bigger hair. Instagram captions that sound like rap lyrics.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Enjoy the spotlight. But remember — no one likes the person who brings their acoustic guitar to a bonfire uninvited.

Strain Pairing: Pineapple Express – fruity, confident, and probably wearing sunglasses indoors.

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♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve got lists on top of lists, Virgo. And you’re mad nobody else is sticking to your 14-step stoner charcuterie plan.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Breathe. Not every plan needs a spreadsheet. Sometimes it’s okay if the cheese is from a gas station.

Strain Pairing: Harlequin – balanced, chill, and stops you from Googling “best way to organize grinder collection.”

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♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, you’re caught in a vibe triangle: one person you like, one job you kinda want, and one blunt you’re scared to finish alone.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Pick a direction. You don’t need a pros and cons list — you need to spark it and go.

Strain Pairing: Skywalker OG – grounding and chill. Helps you make decisions that don’t involve asking the internet for permission.

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♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re hot, intense, and a little bit unhinged right now. Scorpio energy is giving “I’ll burn your whole playlist to the ground.”

Billy Bob’s Advice: Stop stalking your crush’s Venmo activity and maybe touch grass. Or at least smoke on the porch like a respectable menace.

Strain Pairing: Gorilla Glue #4 – strong, sticky, and makes you chill enough not to write angry poetry at 3AM.

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♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’ve got travel fever, big ideas, and zero interest in returning texts. You’ve thought about joining a commune or booking a one-way flight to Newfoundland.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Maybe just go camping instead. There’s weed in nature and fewer people asking what your 5-year plan is.

Strain Pairing: Super Silver Haze – buzzy, active, and makes every trail mix taste like gourmet cuisine.

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♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You’re grinding harder than your weed right now. Calm down. Not everything needs to be monetized.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Take a nap. Take two. Put your phone on silent and watch Sling Blade. You’re welcome.

Strain Pairing: Wedding Cake – sweet, relaxing, and perfect for the overworked.

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♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re vibing on your own weird frequency again. Posting memes that only three people understand. Building a solar-powered bong.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Stay strange, but don’t lose touch. Smoke with friends. Touch something real. Maybe eat something that didn’t come from a pouch.

Strain Pairing: Sour Diesel – cerebral, chaotic, and keeps you grounded while your brain flies to Mars.

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♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been journaling. Meditating. Maybe crying a little in the shower. It’s okay. You’re soft and lovely and no one’s mad about it.

Billy Bob’s Advice: Make art. Write a song. Smoke something nice and call your weird aunt who always sends you dreamcatchers.

Strain Pairing: Purple Kush – dreamy, trippy, and helps your inner poet chill the hell out.

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🎂 Billy Bob’s Final Words

It’s my birthday. I’m 70. I’ve been in movies, bands, bar fights, and a weird relationship with astrology. And now I’ve done horoscopes for a weed blog in Canada.

This is the best timeline.

So whatever your sign is — roll something sticky, eat something ridiculous, and enjoy the chaos. You made it another month. That’s worth celebrating.

Now get high, get weird, and remember: stars don’t control your future — but they might help you pick a strain.