Alright, gather round my little baked botanists, because today we’re diving deep — and I mean deep — into the eggplant bong, also known as the Aubergine Apocalypse, the Purple Pipe of Destiny, or simply, Sir Smokes-a-Lot, the Moist.
Yeah, you read that right. We’re making a bong… out of an eggplant. Because why not? Nature made it weirdly phallic and full of potential, and we’re just out here unlocking its true purpose. Sorry, Parmigiana — this eggplant was born to get lit.
🍆 Why an Eggplant?
Because:
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It’s thicc with airflow.
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It’s organic, like your cousin Kyle who won’t shut up about composting.
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It’s got big bong energy.
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And let’s be honest — you’re bored, high, and the fruit bowl’s looking at you funny.
Fun fact: Eggplants are actually berries. So technically, when you rip an eggplant bong, you’re having a berry good time. (I’ll show myself out.)
🧪 Step 1: Choose Your Weapon
Head to your local grocery store and grab the most confident, arrogant-looking eggplant you can find. One that says, “I know what I am, and I will be inhaled.” If it looks like it could be banned on Instagram, it’s perfect.
Bonus points if you hold up two eggplants and ask the cashier which one has better airflow. Don’t explain. Make it weird.
🔧 Step 2: Turn That Thang Into a Bong
Alright MacGyver, here’s what you do:
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Hollow that sucker out like your ex hollowed out your soul.
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Jam a straw, pen tube, or literal wizard staff into its side.
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Foil up a little bowl on top (or use a real one if you’re classy and/or dating a glassblower).
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Carve a lil’ mouth hole at the end. Give it a kiss. Whisper secrets. This is your eggplant now.
Pro tip: Don’t microwave it to “speed up airflow.” I’ve seen what happens. It’s… wet.
🌬️ Step 3: Rip It Like a Legend
Spark it up. Inhale slowly. Feel the aubergine energy enter your lungs and whisper sweet nothings to your frontal cortex. You’ll cough once, twice, and suddenly think, “Did Shakespeare smoke one of these?”
Yes. Yes, he did. That’s why he wrote about “purple haze doth cloud thy mind, thou art bongo’d to the core.”
🥴 Side Effects May Include:
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Sudden attraction to other vegetables
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The belief that your eggplant has a name and feelings (it does, it’s Todd)
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Inexplicable desire to do yoga in the produce aisle
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Becoming the coolest person at the function. Guaranteed.
♻️ Eco-Friendly Vibes
When you’re done, toss that bad boy in the compost bin and tell your roommates you’re “giving back to the soil gods.” Bonus: It becomes the most spiritual thing you’ve ever smoked and fertilized.
Or… sauté it. I won’t judge. Just don’t tell Todd.
🎤 Final Thoughts
In a world full of glass bongs, be the eggplant.
Stand tall. Be oddly shaped. Get people high and make ‘em laugh.
And when someone asks what strain you’re smoking, just say:
“It’s called Farmer’s Market Fury. It hits different.”
Now go forth, my veggie vapers. Create. Toke. Compost.
And remember — if it grows, it goes. 🍆💨
FAQs
What materials make vegetables safe or unsafe to smoke through?
Fresh, firm fruits and vegetables like apples, eggplants, or squash are generally safe for one-time use since they're natural and non-toxic when heated briefly. Overripe or rotting produce is unsafe because it can harbor bacteria or mold that gets inhaled. Avoid anything treated with pesticides or waxes that might release chemicals, and never use plastic parts or aluminum foil bowls directly under flame—they can melt or leach harmful stuff. Stick to organic, clean produce for the least risk.
How does airflow differ when using improvised vegetable bongs?
Airflow in vegetable bongs is usually uneven and restricted compared to glass, since the natural flesh can clog easily or collapse under pull. Hits feel wetter and harsher because moisture from the produce mixes in, without the smooth draw of a proper chamber. Carving wider paths helps, but it still lacks the consistent, easy inhalation of borosilicate glass pieces. They're fun for a quick session but not as reliable or smooth.
Are there sanitary concerns with homemade produce pipes?
Yes, there are some real concerns if the produce isn't fresh—bacteria or mold from cuts can grow fast and end up in your lungs. Moisture inside makes it a breeding ground for germs, especially if not used right away. Washing thoroughly helps, but it's still single-use only to avoid buildup. Glass is way easier to clean and sanitize properly.
Which vegetables hold shape best under heat?
Firm ones like apples, potatoes, and eggplants hold up best without turning mushy too quick. Squash, zucchini, and carrots also stay sturdy enough for a session. Softer stuff like bananas or cucumbers softens fast and clogs. Pick dense, fresh veggies for better structure.
Can vegetable bongs alter flavor unexpectedly?
Yeah, they often add a subtle veggie or fruity note that mixes with the smoke—apples can sweeten it up, while eggplant might bring a slight bitter edge. Moisture makes hits taste fresher or cooler sometimes. It cools the smoke a bit but can make it wetter-tasting. Depends on the produce, but it's rarely neutral.
Are there any health risks compared to glass pieces?
Vegetable bongs carry more risks short-term, like inhaling bacteria from moist flesh or uneven burns producing extra irritants. They're not as clean as glass, which you can sterilize fully. No toxic leaching like plastic, but still harsher on lungs without good filtration. Glass wins for safety and consistency every time.
